Christ, what next?

I got yer Merry Christmas right here

2004-12-19T08:44:00.000-08:00

Conservatives have taken aim at a new and insidious cultural trend - tolerance and goodwill during the holiday season. Bill O'Reilly, our national representative of all things good and wholesome (when he's not making dirty phone calls in the middle of the night to employees) is especially incensed, and vows "to stand up for Christmas." It seems that he along with Lou Dobbs and Charles Krauthammer are finally outraged that anyone would send cards with the message "Season's Greetings" or "Happy Holidays" because they don't want to offend their customers, clients, friends, acqaintances, family and friends who might not be Christian with a more innocuous greeting than "Merry Christmas."

Of course, anyone who has been alive in this world for more than a few years knows that the phrases "Season's Greetings" or "Happy Holidays" have been around for quite awhile -
"Should we send Hi Ho Saturnalia greetings to our customers this year?"
"No, some of them might be that new religion, you know, um, Christian, better send them a Happy Holidays parchment."
"You know, if this trend keeps up, people will forget that the reason for the season is Saturn."
And so, Romans and the world soon forgot the real reason we celebrate during this time of year, but gained the goodwill and patronage of their customers, which, if they're anything like people today, was probably alot more meaningful to them, and did more to keep their families fed and clothed that Saturn ever did.

If O'Reilly, and Lou Dobbs and Charles Krauthammer are outraged at "Season's Greetings" they might want to check with the sales department at Fox News, CNN and The Washington Post.
All three of those companies send "Season's Greetings" to their customers in the hopes of keeping their business another year, which by the way, pays the salaries of these three men. Ask the sales manager what he thinks about them making life more difficult for his sales reps with their "Merry Christmas" political crusade, I can imagine what he would say...

"You'll always have a friend wearing big red shoes..."

2004-12-15T13:39:00.000-08:00

Ronald McDonald took to the judicial bench in Montgomery, Alabama today, wearing a robe embroidered with the Ten Commandments. Did I say Ronald? I meant Ashley McKathan who had his robe embroidered in gold with the Ten Commandments. "I had a choice of several sizes of letters. I purposely chose a size that would not be in anybody's face," he said. Well that's good - he chose a size that purposely causes everybody in the room to squint and ask each other, "what in the hell has he got written on his robes?" What stunned spectators, however, is when he, his clerk and the court reporter drove into the courtroom in a tiny car and climbed out to the amazement and exclamations of the viewing audience. The clerk doffed his top hat, snapped his whip and shouted, "Ladies and Gentlemen, kids of all ages, court is now in session, the honourable Ashley McKathan presiding - please don't leave your seats to squeeze his nose!" Judge McKathan then tripped over his big ole shoes and everyone laughed and laughed. They thought it was part of his act until the tears started flowing, although some skeptics thought they were painted on...

"Are you trying to show contempt for this court?" "No, your honour, I'm trying to hide it."

Dog bites man story...

2004-12-15T05:08:00.000-08:00

Zell Miller, victim of senile dementia, has been hired by the Fox News Channel, and they're not the least bit embarrassed by it...but then they're not embarrassed by Bill O'Reilly or Sean Hannity either, which just goes to show that the shame thermometer is always set at zero over at Fox. Zell Miller, if you recall, is the "lifelike", no, "lifetime democrat" who at the end of a desultory and unremarkable career, suddenly decided to make a complete ass of himself at the republican convention. Most people cringed at the hot vitriol and cornpone rhetoric served up on stage by this man in his dotage, but not Fox - they liked what they saw and immediately offered him a contract, which shouldn't surprise anyone. Generally, our senior citizens retire with dignity, basking in the sunset of a worthy retirement, but Zell is determined to prove that his career has been a dungheap and he's the cock that's going to stand on it and crow. You'd think he'd offer himself as the poster boy for stem cell research at the Altzheimer's Association Telethon, but fortunately cooler heads prevailed and he will continue to do what he does best - act like an ass in public.

Good news! Wizard awards medals to three goofs!

2004-12-15T04:05:00.000-08:00

So did the President, the only difference is that the three goofs in Oz deserved them. Bush gave the medal of freedom, the highest civilian award, to Tenet, Franks and Bremer yesterday, in a White House ceremony. Why you might ask, are three of the most incompetent, grossly negligent, inept, disastrous, catastrophically destructive, bungling, unskilled incapables receiving the highest civilian award? My guess is that the flying monkeys are managing our affairs, but then I try to be optimistic and cheerful about such things. More cynical citizens might think that the medal award was to forestall criticism and revelations in the forthcoming books - or these were the three most deserving on the list, which just makes you shudder, doesn't it? After the ceremony, Bremer, Franks and Tenet sang to the President and presented him with a lollipop. Everyone tried not to laugh, but the hairy knees were too much.

Troops courtmartialed for scrounging

2004-12-13T09:07:00.000-08:00

I read today that Ohio National Guard troops were courtmartialed for scrounging parts from vehicles abandoned by other units. They did this, as one soldier said, so they "could get into the fight." Now I don't know about you, but troops with this kind of spirit should be severely punished by their government, courtmartialing is not enough - they should be whipped, branded and drawn and quartered for displaying initiative and patriotism. If they let troops get away with this, the next thing you know, they'll be scrounging parts from dumps to armor their humvees and maybe even having their parents buy them body armor and God knows what else. When equipment is abandoned, it should stay abandoned - let the enemy pick it over and get what they need, there's no need for selfishness by our troops. Why they don't prefer sitting on their asses in the hot desert sun waiting for spare parts shipments is beyond comprehension. I guess troops today are just spoiled. Christ, what next, huh?

Thanks for the heads up, Tommy

2004-12-04T00:01:00.000-08:00

Tommy Thompson resigned his cabinet post as secretary of health and welfare with a good news/bad news joke - the bad news is that he has issued a dire warning of a flu pandemic and massive poisoning of our food supply by terrorists - the good news is that he's resigning.

Uh, we all appreciate the warning, Tommy, but I have to ask, "what in the hell were you doing the last four years?" I thought you were supposed to fix problems like that and not just pass along a heads up to us poor slobs out in Redland, you may have been too busy presiding over the loss of health care for 5 million people, a flu vaccine shortage, and a new medicare program to increase the benefits to the pharmacuetical companies, a small but suffering class of constituents, desperately in need of relief from the paltry profit they've been making from the hardhearted consumers who begrudge paying 10. a pop for a pill, but I wish you had found the time to work on this massive food poisoning thing - forget the flu pandemic, we know how you handled that problem this year...

So what about the food poisoning situation? In the news conference Tommy Boy mentioned that he was "surprised" that it hadn't happened already, and in fact, that thought kept him up at night, worrying. If he had let us know, we could all have been up all night worrying with him - maybe call each other, or instant message each other, or stand around together the next day comiserating on our lack of sleep. No, the good and faithful servant of the people kept this news all to himself and has been suffering in silence all these years.

Secretary Thompson found it incredible that the terrorists hadn't thought to do this, since we get a lot of our food from the Middle East region (which surprised me, since it never occurred to me that they were shipping food in those tankers) and according to Thompson it would be so easy for them to do. It seems that now he's turned into a regular "Hints from Heloise" kind of guy, sort of a "Tips from Tommy" for terrorists. The New York Times will probably give him a column.

"We don't know if Jesus likes you, but George doesn't"

2004-12-01T06:02:00.000-08:00

The 30 second ad begins with two bouncers outside a church deciding who gets to go in - and who doesn't. Some of those turned away are gay couples and people of colour, when a narrator's voice is heard saying, "Like Jesus, we won't turn anyone away...and no matter where you are on life's journey you're welcome at our church". This ad, by the United Church of Christ has been deemed "too controversial" to air by NBC and CBS.

It seems that at least CBS is honest enough to tell you why they won't air it - they're scared witless of offending the President of The United States. Well, those weren't their exact words, but in their press release they said that since "the administration has proposed a marriage amendment this ad is too controversial..." meaning of course that the Prez might take umbrage, if he knows what it means, or just be pissed which I'm sure he knows what that means, at CBS.

So now we must assume that this administration has an office which screens ads before they're aired, and which then lets the networks know which ones they like. I guess they like the lady with the sandwich maker, because she's on for hours every day. That sandwich maker is something else, isn't it? You can throw anything in to it, old socks, newspaper, leftover ham, toy cars, even hair curlers, compress it, and out comes a delicious sandwich! Pretty much, I might add that this administration does - it throws garbage out to the press, and by the time they've compressed it, out comes the administration's policy, no questions asked.

If the administration doesn't screen ads and lets the networks know what it likes, then the networks are nervously guessing what it likes or doesn't like, or might offend the President. Sometime last week, some v.p. of advertising revenue sat bolt upright in bed at three in the morning, broke out in a cold sweat, and asked himself if the President might not like the ad. You can imagine the phone calls, the e-mails, the meetings, the memos, gushing forth during the day; "I don't care what Jesus thinks, George isn't going to like this!" Forget about piling up treasure in Heaven, it's the hell on earth that scares them, ask Dan Rather.

Did they look in Cheney's basement?

2004-11-29T08:54:00.000-08:00

I just read that Halliburton, charged with inventory control in Iraq and Kuwait, lost one/third of it. Most of it is missing from Kuwait and includes 2 generators worth over a million dollars, something like 11 laptop computers and more than a few trucks. Now to put this in perspective, imagine looking around your house one day, and finding that 1/3rd of your stuff is gone. This might naturally concern most people, especially if they paid for all of it, but here's the catch; Halliburton didn't pay for any of the inventory they lost - we did. It all belongs to the taxpayers, and Halliburton was paid to keep track of it, something every company in the U.S. and elsewhere does every day of the year. Halliburton says in its defense, that they had over 20,000 items to track, but WalMart has over a million items or more to track, and they can tell you within a few minutes, when they bought it, when it was shipped, where it was shipped, the day it was sold, and if injected with truth serum, could probably tell you who bought it and why, and how long it will be before the piece of junk will be returned.

The reason companies take such good care of inventory is because their profitability depends on it. If a third of their inventory skulked its way out of the warehouse, you better believe there would be all kinds of inventory counting, investigations and threats from management until it was found and someone held accountable. It might then occur to people at these companies that the inventory control system needs improvement, perhaps better software, better accountability and just maybe new personnel with some training.

Unfortunately for the taxpayers, none of these suggestions seem to have been forthcoming from "management" and it seems that the "company" itself hasn't been informed. Apart from one article in a newspaper, I haven't seen this or read this anywhere else. Halliburton vigorously denies that they lost a third of the taxpayers' property - they don't know how much they've lost they say, so a claim that a third is missing is ridiculous. It's just damned impertinent to make such a claim when for all they know, it may all be missing.

Regardless of how much is missing, in my opinion, someone should start looking for it. Look behind stuff, move junk around, try to remember where it was the last time you saw it, pray to St. Anthony and look in Dick's basement - after all, that's where all the money is going.

We're telling them how to run an election?

2004-11-24T11:09:00.000-08:00

Secretary Colin Powell said today that the U.S. cannot accept the recent election in the Ukraine as legitimate. It seems there were just too many irregularities, sinister machinations and all around fraud for a country with our high standards to accept. You know, it's a shame when these third world despots steal elections, it's a clear demonstration of their contempt and disdain for the democratic process, and this administration will not stand for it.

Powell complained to Moscow, instructing them to fix this problem or it will all end in tears, what with us maybe not being their friends anymore and other disciplinary measures we might take to force them to a more democratic solution to election problems instead of underhanded and fraudulent means by which they can maintain control. The Kremlin responded by telling us to mind our own business, that they will run these third world cesspools the way they see fit, and not some first world cesspool who shouldn't be talking in the first place about honest elections - or words to that effect.

Neither the Russians nor the Americans consulted with the Ukraine on this matter, but then why should they? When you're forcing democracy on the world, it's best not to let others get involved...

Another reason to clean out the refrigerator more often

2004-11-23T06:14:00.000-08:00

I remember reading that P.T. Barnum had a sign on a door at his exhibit hall which said "This Way To The Egress" and of course people flocked through the door. Supposedly they all laughed good naturedly at finding themselves out in the alleyway and presumably having to pay to get back in although I have no doubt that some were irate at missing the egress. Which brings me to today's "Christ, what next?" topic; someone was stupid enough to pay $28,000.00 for a ten year old grilled cheese sandwich. I can't imagine why this surprises me, over half the people in this country still believe in ghosts, so the idea of someone paying 28 smackers for a ten year old sandwich because it has a picture of the Virgin Mary on it, should be taken in stride. Two casino owners in Vegas bought it, which is a pretty cagey business move when you think about it; who but gamblers really need a miracle and would be desparate enough to pay to see a ten year old grilled cheese sandwich because it might bring them luck?

So today, I vow to turn over a new leaf - I will now try to clean out the fridge more than once a year and not just when a claw reaches out and grabs someone. I mean it this time. A few years ago I pulled what I thought was leftover meatloaf out of the fridge and it looked just like Cousin It. It even sounded like him. If I had known you could get big bucks for it, I wouldn't have tossed it so blithely (or bitterly, since everyone says they like my meatloaf but I always end up throwing it away) in the garbage bag. A couple days ago, I saw Jesus Christ in the frost on a Hot Pockets box, and I told the kids not to cook them until I could get a priest in to verify my vision, but of course they ignored me (damned kids - do they ever listen?) and cooked them anyway so now they're going to have to take out loans like everyone else to pay for their college education. This episode reminds me of another mystery - I go to the grocery every other day it seems, and yet, according to the kids, there's never anything to eat in this house. It's sort of a reverse loaves and fishes miracle - the more boxes of fishsticks and loaves of bread I bring home, the less food we have...maybe the egress is eating it.

Who are you going to believe, the Pentagon or your lyin' eyes?

2004-11-22T11:50:00.000-08:00

Apparently we need more troops since the newest catastrophic success in Iraq. The reason for this according to the WaPo is that the effort in Fallujah so "substantially weakened the insurgent forces" that we need more troops to round up those "insurgents who have scattered or are entrenched" elsewhere. "Now wait a minute," you say, "if the insurgents are so 'substantially weakened' why do we need more troops?" Well, that should be obvious to all and their ilk; the more successful we are, the worse the situation gets. At least that's what the administration is telling us, and we have no reason to doubt their assessment since they've been so prescient in predicting successful failures in the past. We're really lucky that things have been going so well; can you imagine how many fewer troops we would need if things had been going badly...no, that can't be right...you would think it would be just the opposite - the more successful we are, the fewer troops should be needed, and the worse it gets the more troops should be needed. You might think that, but you'd be all mixed up if you did, not to mention causing your brain to explode and run out your nose. Instead, try setting aside reality and common sense, and just for the next four years think positively. Say over and over, "the worse it gets, the better off we are, the worse it gets, the better off we are" because I'm positive it is going to get worse, and I'm very optimistic about that.

A new conspiracy theory...

2004-11-21T07:27:00.000-08:00

so many "journalists" (you know, there should be new punctuation marks created to indicate contempt - perhaps a ^ demonstrating a raised eyebrow, but that could also give the reader the idea that the writer is amazed although it is true that the amount of contempt any journalist deserves is amazing, then I thought of utilizing this mark ~ sort of a rolling of the eyeballs effect but that could be interpreted as mere disgust at today's journalism...well, we'll all have to work on this) are ridiculing conspiracy theorists these days, that I am beginning to wonder if it might be a conspiracy. Now I really don't go for conspiracy theories unless they support my political views, but I am beginning to see a pattern here. Over fifty million people in this country just conspired to^~ elect~^ an idiot - a few journalists couldn't get together to conspire to ridicule conspiracy theorists in order to (that's the part I'm still thinking about...why) fool the public into thinking there is no conspiracy? Perhaps that is the conspiracy - they're conspiring to convince us that there are no conspiracies. Of course, this should make us all very suspicious; if there is a conspiracy to convince us that there are no conspiracies, then who is behind the conspiracy to convince us there are no conspiracies? Some might say that there is merely a concerted effort to draw the public's attention to facts and evidence and away from supposition, but a concerted effort my friends, is a conspiracy.

Something new has been added...

2004-11-20T09:19:00.000-08:00

or deleted depending on your full glass philosophy; the rule book no longer applies to republicans. Now some may claim that this has always been so, and it has, but this time they've taken a vote - it's now official. "The DeLayed Action Pending Conviction Rule" is the section heading in the rule book. It was first suggested that it be listed under "Mom Let's You Get Away With Murder Rule" but wiser heads pointed out that Mom let's all of them get away with murder, so why be sour grapish about it. "Sooner or later, we'll all need that rule," said one republican house member, and how fervently we hope they will. The phrase "brazen hussies" comes to mind...